Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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