I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
