i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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