I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
