we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
