i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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