I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
