textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
