Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
