dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...