I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.