tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...