She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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