I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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