I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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