I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
