Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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