If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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