You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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