It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
