What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My ATM looks so different sober.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
