News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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