She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
