Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
