I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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