I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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