Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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