Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
