Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
