Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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