shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
