had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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