What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
