There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
