i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
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I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
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Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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