How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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