Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
