why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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