Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
