there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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