I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
