Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father