I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I understand Curling. That high.
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So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
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Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.