I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
