He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
did i just pee glitter
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