one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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