I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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