Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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