capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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