You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
