the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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