I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Randomize
