Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I deserve this hangover.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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