You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
