my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
