barbara walters just said penis...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
